I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Success! We fucked roommates!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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