nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
