you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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