she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
party gras won. party gras always wins.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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