WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I puked a lego.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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