my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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