planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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