I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
