Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize