I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
