Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm like, not good at living.
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