I wish my penis had an off switch
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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