i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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