Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize