Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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