Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
