He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sext me about skeletons
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
