Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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