im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize