Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize