Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
