in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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