so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
