don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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