He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
