There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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