**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
