I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Less talking, more tequila
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
