I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
