...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
