I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
