I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
