it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Shame - the story of my life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
