I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
