omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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