What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
