So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
