I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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