would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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