Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
