I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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