I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
