Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Im part way to drunk.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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