On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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