that's an acceptable place to lick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
