I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
