rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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