I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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