Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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