He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize