I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
