I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
