I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
