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Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
