u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
