The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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