My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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